Over the years, TV has had some far-fetched concepts of what dogs can actually do. We love them as our family and value them as our friends, but as we gamely pick up their poo and keep them collared so they don’t get lost, it’s hard not to laugh at some of the crazy tricks TV dogs perform on a regular basis. Here are 10 great things TV dogs can do that we only wish our real-life best friends could manage.
We Wish They Brought Us Our Paper in the Morning
Pluto’s an interesting character. In the Mickey Mouse universe, all the characters are animals, ranging from mice to ducks do talking dogs like Goofy, yet somehow Pluto doesn’t get anthropomorphized the way the rest of the characters do. Instead, he acts like, well, a dog. Still, he has to be one of the best-trained dogs I’ve seen in my life. No dog I’ve ever had has brought me my paper in the morning; it’s a feat I can only dream of.
We Wish They’d Let Our Kids Ride on Them
To a baby or a toddler, larger dogs look like the animal equivalent of a horse, so it’s no wonder that the creators of Rugrats often had Tommy Pickles riding around on his beloved dog, Spike. Try that with a real dog, and you’re likely to have less adorable results. Any dog I’ve seen bolts the minute you even pretend to let a baby ride on its back.
We Wish They Could Be Our Drinking Pals
Family Guy is another one of those shows that makes no sense if you think about it too hard. Only slightly less baffling than whether or not people actually understand Stewie when he talks is Brian, who acts like a normal, loyal dog on some occasions and at other times goes drinking in the pub with Peter and his friends. We’re not exactly sure what they’re doing with his character, but we do wish we could occasionally clank some beers with our pawed pal.
We Wish They Could Write
People actually make a living writing blogs. Imagine if, while you went to work, your dog was home making a living as a writer as well. Talk about your second income; you might actually be able to afford to put your kid in daycare at that rate. And with no other obligations, your dog could make his blog into his full-time hustle. Honestly, this may be one of the best dog superpowers on the list.
We Wish They Made Every Day into a Scavenger Hunt
How fun would life be if every time our dog wanted to do something, they created a little scavenger hunt for us to help us figure it out? Life would never get boring if you were forever wandering around your house with your handy-dandy notebook in an attempt to unravel the mysteries of your dog’s head. Of course, you’d also have to do a lot more cleaning if your dog was intentionally slapping pawprints all over your house, but hey, you win some, you lose some.
We Wish They Could Fly
Granted, Krypto the Super Dog was never supposed to be an accurate representation of a real-life dog. Still, we have a hard enough time getting our dog to agree to wear a cape for a photo op at Halloween, which makes the idea of them really, truly flying almost defy imagination.
We Wish They Could Teach Us History
You thought Drunk History was amusing, but imagine how entertaining it would be if your dog perked up one day and started teaching you history. This isn’t even a one-dog trick: it’s been mastered by both Wishbone and Mr. Peabody, which leads me to believe that somewhere out there, there are actual dogs teaching history. Let’s breed some more of those ones.
We Wish They Could Solve Mysteries
Who needs to call Ghostbusters when you’ve got a dog who can chase down ghouls and goblins and bring them to justice? Sure, you’ll spend a small fortune in Scooby Snacks, but honestly, many of us waste just as many treats getting our dogs to do tricks that are way less impressive. Your dog can sit? Scooby Doo can capture actual criminals!
We Wish They Could Thwart Evil
Here’s a sweet gig: Get captured by an evil mastermind, get saved by your dog, take credit for his success, and then do it all over again the next day. Inspector Gadget really could have been called Brain Thwarts Evil and it would have been the same show.
We Wish They Were Master Shapeshifters
The dog you could ride on at the beginning of this list is completely dwarfed by Jake from Adventure Time, who can turn into everything from a raft to a hammer and make it back in time for lunch. Sure, we apparently need to live through an apocalypse for Jake-esque dogs to enter our lives, but considering how cool he is, it might just be worth it.
Let’s face it: Our dogs will never be quite like the dogs we see on TV. While it’s fun to imagine what our lives might be like if our dogs were more like their Hollywood counterparts, it’s probably equally healthy to remind ourselves that if our dogs were that much more aware, they’d also be that much more trouble to clean up after. Maybe we’ll stick with the ones we’ve got!